Pity Party

I am not sure how I’m supposed to pick up where I left off. After October 13th, 2017 my life changed forever. There is absolutely no turning back. I am not the same girl I was before being diagnosed and it sadness me deeply.

Living with uncertainty is scary and can seem pointless. I have days where I plan my future and have days where I think what is the point? Cancer is deeply traumatic. I get triggered by random things like watching an episode of TV and cancer is a topic that comes up. It’s something I do to distract myself yet it always comes full circle.

I’ve been in this self pity party of why me. This kind of thing happens to other people, not me. And somehow I’m living with this disease that kills so many people every year. I’m wondering what I did in my life to deserve it. Was I unkind? Did the times I got burnt ignorantly lead to this diagnosis? Was it the dead animals I ate my whole life that could have caused this? It’s times like these that make it really hard to believe in a god. Why would god give people cancer?

I find myself pulling away. I don’t leave my house a whole ton unless I am at work or at Jamie’s house. I am so thankful to have him. By the end of the day I am usually to tired to do anything anyway. I sit and think a lot. Think about death, about what people will say about me when I’m gone, who will show up to my funeral. This dark stuff nobody talks about. This constant and very close relationship with dying that has me utterly terrified. Terrified of the unknown.

I like to cry as well. All I want is to live a long and happy life. I am 21 and have been through more than most people at my age. A father in prison, money struggles and cancer. In high school I was depressed. When I look back there is no other way to explain the way I felt but depression. I thought it was never going to end, that I would never be accepted and finally I graduated and got to experience the light at the end of the tunnel.

I went on and got to travel, got to compete for my country and finally see what life is all about. And then cancer. Out of the blue, and no reason other than being unlucky. So again I ask, why me?

I have realized my life is different. I am different. When I jump on a trampoline I have unexplainable pain that I assume is caused by cancer. By little holes around my body in my bones. By masses in my liver and lymph nodes. I am jealous of everyone out on the floor. Jealous of others injuries because at least they can heal. Annoyed that I am talked about by people who don’t know me. And frustrated I can’t be there to cheer anyone on and enjoy going away on a trip. Cancer took that from me and it fucking sucks. I am really to young for this shit. And all I want to do is compete again, and have some kind of purpose. Some way to make an impact on something. So how do you move forward?

I decided I should go back to school in September. Something I have yet to do since graduating in 2014. I want to go into Social Work. Maybe make a difference for someone who is also going through a hard time. I want to travel. To save up some money (or just max out my credit card) and leave.

Although I think about death I think a lot more about life. About what kind of life I want to live. I love day dreaming about my life. About ending up NED (no evidence of disease) one day and then having a family. Having a house with Jamie and getting married. I think about helping others go through a hard time and be able to say you will get through it because I did. I may die at an old age. I believe in “The Secret”. If I believe this story enough it will be mine 😉. That’s all I’m aiming for here. The beautiful part about life is that we ALL live with uncertainty but most of us are just so unaware. I had someone tell me once that the moment we are born we have this relationship with death. But we forget about this because we are just so excited to be alive. When something traumatic happens that threatens your life and that relationship shows up front and centre. It’s crazy because it was there all along but you never needed a reason to acknowledge it was there.

The transition to life while living with cancer is the fucking hardest thing I have ever had to do. To live with uncertainty that is so in your face is so fucking hard. To be at an age where this doesn’t happen a lot. To have nobody to relate to… it sucks.

So as I end this post I want to say that this was my way of letting go of everything cancer has taken from me. To let go of the self pity party. To let you all know what this is actually like. I don’t get an escape, I get to think about it 24/7… even while I dream sometimes. It took away the way I used to carelessly look at the world. How ignorant I was, to having a real life problem show up knocking at my front door. Some people will never have this knock or know what it’s like to have cancer. Will never take you seriously when you tell them a tan can ruin your life. Some people just won’t care when you warn them and it sucks to watch. More than anything I don’t want anyone else to get this knock because I will understand what they are about to go though.

And it fucking sucks.

But here is to letting go of all of the bullshit. All of the things in life that aren’t fair. Letting go of the things we can’t control and taking control of the things we can. Cancer has NOT stolen my light, it stole half my smile but not the meaning behind it. Cancer won’t take away the fighter that has always been inside of me and those are the things I am grateful for.

So fuck cancer and the bullshit it creates, but I thank it for making me stronger than I ever knew was possible.

Lots of love,

Tam